mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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