Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
