i think my tv is drunk
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
