Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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