His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
