My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
