I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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