I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we should paint friendship bongs
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