Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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