When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
