Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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