Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
