My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
