I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
