you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
