we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
