i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My life is pants optional.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
