My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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