Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
