Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
