just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
