My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
