If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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