You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
