just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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