I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
