I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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