did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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