Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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