The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
True college students do jello shots in the library
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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