I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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