It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
bring money and cleavage
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
