I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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