And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
