You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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