I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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