ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
