when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
