Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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