I'm going to jail i love you
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
