I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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