I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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