you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
