Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
