Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
