Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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