Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
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My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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