is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
