A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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