Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
