when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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