I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
