There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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