and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
