i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
