i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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