I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
