I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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